Resurrecting the Champ

After a nearly 2 year hiatus, Mama is back in business.

Gird your loins. We about to run this!!!

A ton has happened since I took a break from blogging--more than I care to write about and more than you care to read, I'm sure. So, let's not dwell on the past. Besides, if you're reading this, you're either related to me or a friend and I'm sure you've already been stalking me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, trying to stay up-to-date on what's been going on with the Schoeny tribe. (You know, cuz the world revolves around me and who wouldn't be interested in this?! What?? You're surprised by my narcissism? Hmm, we must not be family or friends after all.)

But in case you've been living under a rock, here are the most important things that happened to Los Schoenys since we last spoke...

 Ryan is CEO of Goldman Sachs and a competitive body builder. He splits his time between our penthouse in SLC and condo in Zurich.

 

Claire earned her trophy wife status after combing out her dreads and going back to pretty hair. She is currently a professional volleyball player, both beach and indoor, and is favored to win this year's St. George marathon.

Lalea is a child prodigy. When she's not conducting chemistry experiments and balancing equations, she's reading her way through the entire Norton Anthology of American Literature. She's also an aspiring photographer and independent film maker. 

Anuhea joined the team earlier this year. At only 5 months, she's already showing signs of extraordinary musical talent with a proclivity to vocal performance. And since there's a strong correlation between musical aptitude and literacy, it's only a matter of time before Anu asks to borrow Lalea's copy of The Grapes of Wrath.

Like I said, this is probably old news to you all. I'm sure you've kept up with us via Forbes magazine and TMZ.

But I'm so glad to welcome you all back to my blog. I'm excited to start writing again and of course, I never pass up a chance or opportunity to talk about myself.

You're welcome.

Tyler Durden VS Derek Vinyard

!!!!!!!!!WARNING!!!!!!!!!

The following videos contain explicit language. So either buck up or get out!!!

A few weekends ago, we were staying up at our friend's condo in SLC. We love watching stupid viral videos with each other and it was during one of these sessions that our friend showed us this masterpiece.

Oh. Em. GEE!! 

Please tell me you're laughing as hysterically as I was when I first watched this video. If you're not, I don't think we can be friends any longer. (BTW if you don't understand the Tyler Durden/Derek Vinyard reference in the title of this post, you don't even DESERVE to be my friend.) 

If you are, you're in for a treat! There are a whole series of these bad boy. Some of our favorites include Albert Einstein VS Stephen Hawking, Abraham Lincoln VS Chuck Norris, and of course Bill Gates VS Steve Jobs. 

One of our other favorites is Master Chief VS Leonidus

HILARIOUS, right?!?!? 

If you could match up a dueling pair, who'd you choose? 

YOU DECIDE!!

I sing you to me

The other night I'm at the gym and Australia is playing in the cardio cinema. I've seen this movie dozens of times, as it is one of my ALL TIME favorites. I can NEVER watch that movie without bawling my cryballs out. So when the following scene appeared on the screen, I quickly grabbed a wad of tissues and cranked my treadmill up to a sprint. Commence water works.

Even now as I rewatch this I'm teary-eyed and covered in goosebumps!! Following this scene, Lady Ashley (Nicole Kidman) and little Nullah share this exchange:

Lady Ashley: I will come and find you; whatever it takes, we'll be together again

Nullah: I believe you, Mrs. Boss (whispers) Mrs. Boss, I sing you to me

...

Lady Ashley: And I will hear you, my darling

Are you dying???? Cuz I am!!!

Perusing the interweb for more commentary about this movie, scene, and musical influence, I came across a blog entitled Behind the Voice. Author Ken Mademe writes about Australia:

Oh, that the songs we sing could bring people to a good place. Oh, that we could sing each other to health and caring. Oh, that we could sing each other to healing and comfort.

Yes, yes, YES!!! Music is such a significant and powerful tool. The effect music has on individuals is amazing.

Some of my fondest memories from my childhood were centered around the piano in our home. My mother would often play a church hymn and my siblings and I would each choose different voice parts to sing. The game would be to guess what Dad would sing as he was famous for switching parts and harmonies at random. Most of our evenings at home were spent in this manner. As a family, we were brought together by our shared love of music.

The same holds true today. While my brothers enjoy listening to rap and my sister sings along with show tunes, we still find common ground around a hymn book and piano.

Music offers us the unique ability to unify ourselves and express our feelings for one another.

Each night before I put Lolli to bed, we cuddle in her room and sing songs together, including Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Not only is it my way of calming her down for the night, but it's also my way of instilling in her my love of music.

I hope she grows to find joy, comfort, and delight in music. And when she hears or sings the sweet melody of one of our bedtime lullabies, she will know of my love for her.

My sweet Lolli, I sing you to me.

Smiles and Butts

The other day, Lolli and I were singing in the car, per usual. We were singing a bunch of primary songs and of course, Lolli starts getting silly and decides to change up some of the song lyrics.

Here's her cover of Smiles

"If you chance to meet a butt,

do not let it toot.

Quickly take it to the toilet

so it can go poop."

Where does she get this obsession with butts, farting, and all around bathroom humor??!!?

Oh yeah. Me.

Bedtime Prayers and Butt Cheese

When it comes to bathroom humor, you'll find me in the corner, laughing away with the rest of the 10 year old boys. I'm crass, immodest, and not afraid to let one rip. You should know this by now.

So in an effort to be more lady like and to be a better example to Lolli, I've tried to censor the potty talk. Still, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

Some of Lolli's favorite songs to sing are "Old McDonald had some poop," "Baa baa black sheep. Have you any poop?" or my personal favorite, "The itsy bitsy butt cheese went up the water spout."

While I applaud the creative license she liberally takes when performing her songs, apparently singing about poop and butt cheese isn't appropriate for a 3 year old little girl.

Yesterday, Lolli was being especially rambunctious, which led to her going to time-out for talking back and yelling at me. This episode was soon followed by a very special rendition of the humming bird song that included the following verse,

"Oh the humming poop. Oh the humming poop. Oh the humming poooooooooooop!"

Once again, Lolli was sent to time-out, as I had already told her twice that day not to sing about naughty and gross things.

As we were getting ready for bed last night, I began to help Lolli say her prayers. But as soon as I started to help her, she grumbled at me not to and demanded she say it herself. This was her exact prayer:

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this day. Thank you we can play with Mommy Daddy. Help us not talk mean on Mama. Help us not sing 'bout poo poo. Jesus Christ, Amen"

Bless her poopy little heart!

Things That Warm My Heart

The other night I went to dinner with my family. Ry decided not to go, so I just hitched a ride with my brother Chris.

On the way home, we start talking about music and stuff. His new girlfriend is driving and my brother tells me to sing something for her. I pass on that invite, but then Chris tells GF

"My sister could be on American Idol, you know."

Awwwww!!! Bless his little heart.

Auld Lang Syne

As another year comes to an end, it's time to revisit the bests and worsts of 2010.

Favorite Moments
Becoming a marathoner
Meeting Bart Yasso
Running the RRR with my Ryan
Attending the UFC Fan Expo
Stalking Kody Brown
House boating on Lake Powell
Becoming a SAHM

Not-So-Hot Moments
Potty training
Ryan getting the shaft from Sunroc
Moving out of the Camelot community
Deciding to be the RRR captain
The earthquake in Haiti
Wikileaks

Disappointments
BP
Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Kim Kardashian's DWTS debut
Jesse James
California voting no on Prop 19

Favorite Songs
Airplanes - B.O.B feat. Hayley Williams and Eminem
F!*# You - Cee Lo Green
My Chick Bad - Ludacris feat. Nicki Minaj
Tight Rope - Janelle Monae feat. Big Boi



Best Movies - I didn't really go to very many movies this year. I'm not too keen on paying $74 for a ticket at the theaters. Plus, my life is now consumed with all things toddler so it's no surprise my favorite movies this year are kids/family movies. My life is so glamorous.
Inception
Hot Tub Time Machine (That crap is funny. Don't judge me.)
Toy Story 3
Despicable Me

Best Reads - I always have to clarify that these book picks aren't books that were necessarily published in 2010. Rather, they're simply books that I read this year.
My Life on the Run - Bart Yasso
Heft on Wheels - Mike Magnuson
Escape - Carolyn Jessop
In the Forest - Edna O'Brien
The Rookie - Scott Sigler

Enjoy your final hours of 2010. I must admit, it was a good year. Let's see what 2011 has to offer.

My cup runneth over

2010 has been a big year for me and I have a lot for which to be thankful.

• The Ogden Marathon
• Living rent free...again
• Ward choir
• Tuesday nights
• YouTube makeup tutorials
• The Budos
• Audiobooks and podcasts
• The potty watch
• Lake Powell
• Pittsburgh
• Zumanity
• 10 mile runs with Stephanie
• Carinessa II garments
• Extended calf boots
• Centaurs
• Red Rock Relay
• The BYU math department
• My Taralyn
• Donations to the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society
• Sparrows
• Worthy priesthood holders

As always, I have to add a disclaimer that this is not a comprehensive list. I'm grateful for so many things but most of all my family, the gospel, and the love of my Father in heaven.

Hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving!!!

Christmas Shoes

I swear, each year they start playing Christmas music earlier and earlier. The day after Halloween, the non-stop music started on FM 100 and KOSY 1065. I can't really complain, though, 'cause I really enjoy Christmas music. But, I do think it's crazy that we haven't even had Thanksgiving yet and there are already houses displaying Christmas trees in their bay windows. Poor Thanksgiving. Christmas is stealing your thunder!

Anyways, I'm driving home after a run and I tune into KOSY. Through the static of flipping though channels I hear, "Sir, I wanna buy these shoes for my mama, please."

I literally screamed and punched the dial button to off. Not even exaggerating one little bit.

I hate hate HATE that song with the fire of a thousand suns!!! It's so cheesy, corny, and saturated in sap that I wanna throw up just thinking about the ridiculousness of it.

Now, I'm too scared to ever turn the radio back on for fear of that horrible song violating my ears.

~shudder~

Best Audition EVER

K, found my new obsession for the month: Danyl Johnson.

This has to be one of the best first auditions EVER!!! I'm not even exaggerating. Simon agrees with me!

While he may not have the best voice I've ever heard, he's definitely an amazing performer. Regardless, I'm super excited to start stalking this kid on YouTube. How did I not know about him before???

Meant to Be

You know how I get obsessed with a new song every couple of months or so? Well, it's happened again. And to no surprise, it's another Melissa Polinar song. This girl is amazing! You should all subscribe to her YouTube channel. You won't regret it, I promise!!!

Meant to Be - Melissa Polinar

You're in love with it, right? Then you should also check out Melissa singing this song with Alyssa Bernal. I absolutely LOVE the harmony.

Man, I really wish I knew how to play the guitar. I'd be like 30% cooler. I just know it.

Do-Re-Mi

Have you taken the color code personality test? You know, the one that tells you what color your personality is and then delves in to all your characteristics and behaviors. Well, for those of you who know what I'm talking about, I'm a yellow.

As a yellow, I'm supposed to be very social, self-centered, and always craving attention. True, true, double true.

Growing up, I danced for years and years. I competed, performed, and pretty much just commanded the stage. And sprouting from the loins of two melodious parents, I also enjoyed singing and would often sing for many school, church, and extracurricular functions. Even now, I love love LOVE to sing and enjoy the limelight.

However, I have never been more nervous about performing than I am right at this moment.

Tomorrow is our big annual faculty retreat for the math department. The jam-packed day always ends with a department dinner that includes spouses, retired faculty, and the dean's office. This year, the special dinner entertainment is...

...you guessed it, ME!

I will be singing in front of all the people I've worked with for the past three years. Like 100 people or so. Generally, the size of the audience doesn't upset my nerves. Rather, it's the audience itself.

I've never had to perform in my professional environment. And to make matters worse, this is my very last event until I completely quit the math department for good. So, this will be the lasting impression I leave on all my colleagues. That is WAAAAYYYY too much pressure!!!

What if I screw up? The song I'm singing is "No Man Left for Me" from the Will Rogers Follies. For those of you not familiar with it, it's basically a Broadway tune meant to be belted.

I'm all for belting, but when I get nervous, my voice isn't very strong and this is a big song. I need all the strength I can muster. And at this point, it's too late to switch songs. What the hell did I get myself into?!?!?!?

Please cross your fingers for me. Say a prayer. Light a candle. Send me good vibes.

Betta be street if he lookin' at me

Those that know me can attest to the fact that often I SOOOO wish I were black. I practice my booty poppin just about every day. I stand in the mirror for hours, working on my hip roll. And, I dip it, pop it, twerk it, stop it every chance I get!

And aside from just wanting to be black, I wanna be 'hood. Actually, I feel that because of my 2 year stint living in the South, I've already earned myself some street cred! I wanna be gangsta.

Of course, I'm not suggesting that just because you're black that means you're a ghetto gang banger. That's not what I'm saying at all. I'm saying, that I wanna be ghetto fab but I just can't pull it off since in reality, I'm still half white. But the brown side of me yearns to get out there and C-walk with the best of them.

Oh Destiny's Child. You know exactly what I'm talkin' bout.



I need a soldier.

Gosh!!

I never watch American Idol. After the first season and Kelly won, I was over it. But tonight at the clubhouse, I had 5 miles to run and I figured I'd give American Idol another shot just to pass the time.

I guess tonight was boys' night or something like that? Anyways, contestant Casey James donned his guitar and stepped up to the microphone to croon out a rendition of Bryan Adams' Heaven.

While Casey was singing all I could think about was this:

Seriously, doesn't Casey...

...kinda remind you of John Heder?

They're both goofy looking and just plain ugly. He'd better not win. Vote for Pedro.

2009 Faves

With another year coming to a close, it's time to whip out my list of favorites and not-so-favorites of 2009. And in no particular order...

Favorite Moments
Lolli's 1st year luau
Baja Cruise
Ry's graduation from UVU and being accepted into Westminster's MBA program
The birth of new nieces and nephews
Lake Powell and the creation of the LPK
Weekend trips to the farmer's market
Beach hopping in San Diego
Signing up for a marathon

Not-So-Hot Moments
Almost getting shot up at the Olive Garden
Lolli's RSV hospitalization
Getting kicked out of the 9th East house and being temporarily
homeless
Summer trip back to Sacramento
Family drama
Swine flu
Breaking up with Joaquin

Disappointments
Buying the BMW
Senate health care bill
Chicago Olympics fail
Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol
Being slighted by Goldman Sachs
New Moon and Where the Wild Things Are
Losing the King of Pop

Greatest Songs - According to the Billboard charts
Use Somebody - Kings of Leon
Thinking of You -Katy Perry
Please Don't Leave Me - Pink (Though, the music video was disturbingly psychotic and creeptastic. No me gusta!)
Fireflies - Owl City
Bad Romance - Lady Gaga (This music video was just as psychotic as Pink's but some how, Gaga's level of crazy is more sophisticated and palletable. I loved it! But really, who wouldn't love Gaga in Alexander McQueen?!? Epic!)

Most Awesome Movies - There's actually quite a few movies that came out recently that I haven't seen yet; but if I had, they'd probably have made the list. As for the movies I have seen, these are the few that I actually enjoyed. Also, some movies listed were released prior to this year, however, I didn't actually see the movies until 2009. So, I figured I'd include those, as well.
The Blindside
Goodfellas
Zombieland
The Hangover
The Soloist
The Boondock Saints

Best Reads
Got Fight - Forrest Griffin
Mafia Dynasty: The Rise and Fall of the Gambino Crime Family - John H. Davis
Moloka'i - Alan Brennert
Skinny Bitch - Rory Freedman
Homeless Bird - Gloria Whelan

Now 2009, I bid you eff'ing adieu!!!!!

Vomit

I just heard the following song on the radio. I was so appalled at the ridiculousness of the song, that I had to look up the lyrics to make sure I was hearing it correctly. Sadly, I was.

Dear Mr. Jesus, I just had to write to you

Something really scared me, when I saw it on the news

A story 'bout a little girl beaten black and blue

Jesus, thought I'd take this right to you

Dear Mr. Jesus, I don't understand

Why they took her mom and dad away

I know that they don't mean to hit with wild and angry hands

Tell them just how big they are I pray

Please don't let them hurt your children

We need love and shelter from the storm

Please don't let them hurt your children

Won't you keep us safe and warm

Dear Mr. Jesus, they say that she may die

Oh I hope the doctors stop the pain

I know that you could save her and take her up to the sky

So she would never have to hurt again

Please don't let them hurt your children..

Dear Mr. Jesus, please tell me what to do

And please don't tell my daddy

But my mommy hits me, too.

Please don't let them hurt your children...

WTF?? Seriously?!?! I don't even know where to begin or if I even should. The most ridiculous part about this song? Not the choir of children singing the chorus or the Aaron Neville wannabe doing annoying scale runs in the background. Not even the off-pitch child pretending to cry and sniffle as she's reading her letter to Jesus. No. It's the fact that people have websites DEVOTED to this song!!

Yeah, when I was Googling the song for the lyrics, I came across tons of websites saying how this song "tugged at my heartstrings," "changed my life," and "inspired me to adopt 17 orphan children." And of course, each page was flanked by pictures of cheesy cherubs, angels, and little kids praying.

These are probably the same people who love the song "Christmas Shoes."

**shudders**

Random Thoughts About Last Night's VMA's

• Taylor Swift is darling





• Kanye West is an über doucher and people need to quit giving that man an microphone
  
  



• Russel Brand should never be asked to host anything ever again
  
  



• Beyonce absolutely KILLED her "Single Ladies" performance





• Taylor Lautner should have taken off his shirt
  
  



• I'm still not convinced that Muse is that awesome





• I'm wondering what happened to Alicia Keys other earring





• Janet, dancing in synch with MJ, was a fabulous tribute performance





• Pink is a Cirque du Soleil fan

• Though New Moon was the most boring book of the saga, the trailer almost compelled me to preorder my matinee tickets on Fandango





• I was surprised to see Ms. Meadow Soprano all grown up





• Why the hell is Kristin Cavalleri even famous?





• Cyndi Lauper's cameo was priceless





• I think Eminem was just as shocked as I was that he won

• Lady Gaga...not even gonna comment

Ain't Nothing Wrong With Lovin' Chunky

How perfectly fitting. This is my new power song. I'm gonna start making Ry sing it to me.

Let everyone hear, go sing your heart out

I recently had an aesthetic experience, this time with a sweet, young thing named Melissa Polinar.

Bedridden due to a pinched nerve, I sat behind my laptop, syphoning through YouTube videos for the millionth time, trying to find a new and talented singer/songwriter I had yet to discover. After watching the thousandth cover of Love Song and Bleeding Love, I was about to abandon all hope when I stumbled upon Ms. Polinar.  If her cover of Beyond the Blue Horizon on an ukulele wasn't enough to win me over, her original song Sing to Me sealed the deal. And the part that sent chills down my spine? Skip to about 2:40. With her jazzy vocals and rockin' acoustic rifs, this songstress is full of soul. 

Sing to me, girl!

My Life as a Musical

I dream of living life as a musical. I look forward to the day when I'm waiting in line at the grocery store or pumping gas and the world around me randomly breaks out in to song.