Resurrecting the Champ

Remember when I used to post on the daily? Well, maybe not on the daily but pretty regularly.

I was trying to remember when I actually posted last. Looks like Mayish? Right after getting back from Europe. It is now nearly February 2012 so that makes it, what? Almost 9 months since I last posted. FOREVER!!! That's enough time to hatch a baby! (Which hasn't happened since you last heard from me, in case you were wondering...were curious...even cared...)

ANYWAYZZZZZ...

I blame my absence on a few things:

1) Laziness

2) Netflix/DVR

3) Pinterest

And I can't promise now that I'll even post regularly again. Pinterest still sucks me in EVERY single time I even pass by a computer, laptop, any device with WiFi or 3G. But I do miss writing. Mostly I just miss talking about myself and pretending I'm super witty, clever, and funny. For real...

So if you've missed me, I'm making my comeback. Just like Britney Spears after her head-shaving meltdown. Errbody thought girl was GONE. But damnit if she didn't come out with yet another chart-topping album in 2008. Though, I guess since it's now 2012 it doesn't really seem relevant. And she's still crazy. And I still hate her music. Damn.

It'll make you say WOW everytime!

When we were little, I remember my brother Jordan watching infomercials and making my mom buy some of the items advertised. I recall getting a vacuum sealer thing and some grippy jar opener things, too. Who knows what other crap Jordan made my mom buy.

I was over at my mom's today, and went downstairs to talk to Jordan. I walk into his room and find him lying on the bed, watching QVC. I said, "Why are you watching infomercials?" His reply, "I love infomercials. QVC and HSN are my favorite."

He then proceeds to tell me that the other day on HSN, Mariah Carey was hosting a segment, trying to sell her new line of shoes or something. When he saw this, Jordan rushed to the phone and called the purchasing hot-line. When he got through, he asked if he could go on air.

"Sorry, sir. You actually need to buy the item first so you have something to talk about while on air."

"Eh, no thanks. I just wanted to talk to Mariah."

Click.

So close.

Auld Lang Syne

As another year comes to an end, it's time to revisit the bests and worsts of 2010.

Favorite Moments
Becoming a marathoner
Meeting Bart Yasso
Running the RRR with my Ryan
Attending the UFC Fan Expo
Stalking Kody Brown
House boating on Lake Powell
Becoming a SAHM

Not-So-Hot Moments
Potty training
Ryan getting the shaft from Sunroc
Moving out of the Camelot community
Deciding to be the RRR captain
The earthquake in Haiti
Wikileaks

Disappointments
BP
Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
Kim Kardashian's DWTS debut
Jesse James
California voting no on Prop 19

Favorite Songs
Airplanes - B.O.B feat. Hayley Williams and Eminem
F!*# You - Cee Lo Green
My Chick Bad - Ludacris feat. Nicki Minaj
Tight Rope - Janelle Monae feat. Big Boi



Best Movies - I didn't really go to very many movies this year. I'm not too keen on paying $74 for a ticket at the theaters. Plus, my life is now consumed with all things toddler so it's no surprise my favorite movies this year are kids/family movies. My life is so glamorous.
Inception
Hot Tub Time Machine (That crap is funny. Don't judge me.)
Toy Story 3
Despicable Me

Best Reads - I always have to clarify that these book picks aren't books that were necessarily published in 2010. Rather, they're simply books that I read this year.
My Life on the Run - Bart Yasso
Heft on Wheels - Mike Magnuson
Escape - Carolyn Jessop
In the Forest - Edna O'Brien
The Rookie - Scott Sigler

Enjoy your final hours of 2010. I must admit, it was a good year. Let's see what 2011 has to offer.

Man Expo

Last weekend we went, with high hopes, to the Man Expo. And no, it wasn't a huge gathering display of all the hottest guys in the nation. Dang it! Instead, it was an expo for all dude things.

The website promised hundreds of booths promoting hunting and paintballing gear, motorcycles, combat training centers, energy drinks, and power tools. Of course, Ry went for the off-road accessories and MMA schwag.

We get there, and the expo space wasn't much bigger than the Spanish Fork fair grounds. Save for a rock wall, a blow-up paintball course, and a mechanical bull, there really weren't very many attractions. The most hopping booth? Scentsy!! Not even joking!

There was one jeep there that Ry glanced at and took a few pics of but no other off-road vendors. And in order to watch the MMA fight scheduled for the evening, you had to pay an extra $15 for a special ticket for the fight. To top it all off, there weren't even any big booty hoes out there in skank clothes offering you free samples of Red Bull or coupons for a free class at Gold's Gym. Ryan was SUPER disappointed!!

And the most disappointing thing of all? I missed out on seeing Kody and Christine!

About an hour after Ryan and I left, I received the following picture from my cousin, still at the expo:

Oh. Em. Gee!! I had missed my favorite Plygs by only an hour!!! Seeing them there would have made going to the Man Expo totally worth it. But at least my cousin gave me a shout out as she posed with the Browns. She told them, "My cousin is gonna be so jealous!" And I am!!!! I'm so so SOOOOO jealous! I'd give anything for a photo-op with them! Guess I'd better start getting my stalk on!

The Browns

What do two girls, obsessed with reality shows, do when they're bored? Why, they take a Sister Wives tour, of course!

My friend Shauna told me we needed to go stalk the Sister Wives clan. And, I mean, why wouldn't we when they only live 15 minutes away? So she gets online and Googles the address for Kody Brown in Lehi. Just like that, an address pops up. Shauna doesn't believe her luck and calls her friend who happens to live only 2 blocks away from the Plygs. She verifies the address with him and low and behold, it's the correct address!

Next thing you know...

Yup. That's definitely Shauna standing in front of the Brown's house.

Next, it's my turn to take a picture, but just as I'm approaching the yard, 2 freaking guard dogs come running out after us. I literally just about peed my pants. I seriously thought I was gonna die that day; eaten by dogs in the middle of Polygamist land. Just as I resigned myself to being attacked, an SUV of two other curious girls drove up next to us and frightened off the rabid beasts. Thank you Grilled Cheesus!

The girls in the SUV started giggling, knowing full well that Shauna and I were snooping...so were they! But they asked us,

"Did you see her?"

"What? Who?!"

"It was Christine!"

Apparently, while we were running for our lives from Cujo, Christine had come outside to meet the Roto Rooter guy who had just pulled up to the house.

By the time I got up the nerve to go back to the house for a picture, she was already back inside. Damn! So close!

Oh, hey Kody! Hey Christine and your 57 kids!

We ended our tour by visiting Flour Girls and Dough Boys. You'd recognize it as the bakery Kody and the wives went to to taste cakes for Robyn's wedding. You know, the one where all the wives closed their eyes to vote on their favorite cake and then Kody started dancing like an idiot? Yeah, we even sat at that exact same table, right below the big canvas painting of Audrey Hepburn.

Oh, and the picture of the disclaimer from the previous teaser post was posted at the cash register of the bakery. Just as we walked up to pay for our delicious shortbread cookies, the customer ahead of us, an elderly woman, looked at the disclaimer and started talking to the bakery employee about how "silly" all those Polygamists are. Bahahahahahahaha!!!!

So if you're ever in town and wanna take the tour, let me know! I'll drive you out to the compound for your own picture, but make sure to bring some dog treats.

Preamble

Here's a little teaser for my next blog post.

Road Queen

Take a look at this SA-WEEEEEEEET Felt road bike.

That's a picture of the 2010 Z85 taken right from the Felt bicycles site.

Now take a look at this even sweeter 2011 model of that same bike...SITTING IN MY LIVING ROOM!!!!

That's right, y'all. Home girl got hooked up!!! I pretty much have the best husband ever, right?

Just to list a few of its super rad specs...

Felt Superlite custom butted 7005 aluminum frame

Full carbon-fiber front fork and seat post

Shimano 105 front and rear derailleurs

FSA Vero aluminum crankset

Dual pivot brakes with cartridge brakes shoes

Don't know what any of that means? It can all be summed up in one word: TOTALLY BADASS!!!

Ok, two words. Whatevs.

But my favorite features aside from the anatomic road saddle with D2 double-density base to gently cushion my buns? The awesome matte black, red, and white color scheme! (Yeah, I'm superficial like that!) But, if that color scheme doesn't just scream HARDCORE AWESOMENESS, I don't know what does.

And of course, every hardcore machine needs a hardcore name. So as I was taking it for it's maiden voyage yesterday around Spanish Fork and Woodland Hills, I had a vision. The heavens opened and the clouds parted. Then it came to me.

Bobby Light

Yes. My bike will forevermore be known as Bobby Light, as in Bobby Light and the Chunky Boys.

Be jealous.

The Moron List

This article from US Weekly reports that Time magazine included Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag in their list of Least Influential People of 2010.

Geeze, didn't see that coming!!!

What the heck are you even famous for? Being famous????? Just like Paris Hilton.

I swear, Paris Hilton and Heidi Montag's plastic surgeries are gonna be the downfall of Western civilization. Maybe Tori Spelling, too.

Other non-influential peeps that made the list include Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas, MJ's doctor, Conrad Murray, cyclist Floyd Landis, Octomom Nadya Suleman, and former reality star Jon Gosselin.

I particularly like what they write in reference to the founder of Myspace, Tom Anderson:

"Have you clicked on MySpace lately? It's like you wandered into some section of Las Vegas that's so seedy it should be in Tampa. You can get venereal diseases just from logging on."

I particularly like what they write in reference to the founder of Myspace, Tom Anderon You know who else is missing from the list? Weird Al Yankovic, Brooke Hogan, Lil Mama, and Charlie Sheen.

Who would you add to the list of most uninfluential people?

Reality TV

I LOVE me some reality TV. But I'm not talking American Idol and Survivor. I like my reality shows trashy, dirty, and ghetto!! Here are a few programs that keep me tuning in each week for the newest episodes:

Jersey Shore
I can't get enough of these guidos and guidettes. Are people REALLY that idiotic and self-absorbed? Only at the Shore, baby. GTL

America's Best Dance Crew
Ok, so it's not really trashy. But compared to So You Think You Can Dance? and Dancing With the Stars, ABDC is super raw! And what is it with Asians? Can they all dance?!? Every Asian crew or crews with Asian members have dominated so far. Pretty sure every winning crew over the past 5 seasons has had an Asian member. Coincidence?

Tool Academy
Pretty much, it's Charm School for guys; douche bags on parade.

Jerseylicious
This show just aired last week and I'm already addicted. I can't wait for the season to progress. Centered around Jersey's Gatsby Salon, this show reeks of catfights, ultra teased hair, and drama. But, I kinda feel like I'm cheating on Snooki when I watch it.

RuPaul's Drag Race
I love me some queens! Sache chante!


What are some of your favorite and trashy TV shows??

Gosh!!

I never watch American Idol. After the first season and Kelly won, I was over it. But tonight at the clubhouse, I had 5 miles to run and I figured I'd give American Idol another shot just to pass the time.

I guess tonight was boys' night or something like that? Anyways, contestant Casey James donned his guitar and stepped up to the microphone to croon out a rendition of Bryan Adams' Heaven.

While Casey was singing all I could think about was this:

Seriously, doesn't Casey...

...kinda remind you of John Heder?

They're both goofy looking and just plain ugly. He'd better not win. Vote for Pedro.

Superbowl

So, who're you rooting for? I'm cheering for Kendra!

No, I don't follow football. I follow celebrity gossip! And the only reason I know which teams are vying for a ring this year is because I follow both Kendra Wilkinson and Kim Kardashian on Twitter.

Now, those that know me understand my obsession with Kim Kardashian. She's super hot hot HOT and if I could reincarnate myself, I'd choose to be Kim. Pretty much, Kim Kardashian is everything I wish I were physically. (You think my insurance would cover butt implants?)

However, there is one thing I don't like about Kim: Reggie Bush. Not because think he's a crap football player or anything. I don't even watch football! Rather, he's straight up ugly! Hank Basket is way better looking.

Now, I don't really like Kendra for two main reasons: 1) She's blond 2) She has the most annoying laugh of all time and eternity. Still, she's got some swagger and thinks she's ghetto fab. And if Kim and Kendra got into a street fight, I'm pretty sure Kendra would light Kim up. Plus, Kendra and Hank are way more down to earth than Kim and Reggie (as if I know them all on a personal basis and we all hang out on Saturday nights.) I mean come on, Kim. Are you really gonna wear a $2000+ Balmain jacket to a football game? And I thought I was high maintenance.

Golden Globes

For some strange reason, we don't get the prime time channels. Ya know, like ABC, Fox, NBC, and the likes? Which is totally weird, cuz we pay for Dish and get all the other HD channels and stuff...regardless, I was unable to watch the Golden Globes the other night. Not that I'm really, truly disappointed. I usually only like to tune in for the first 45 minutes or so of the red carpet pre-show to get a taste of what everyone's wearing.

So, I did some lurking over at Us Weekly and TMZ to satiate my hunger for cotoure. Instead of

the glamorous and elegant, I found this:

At first I thought, WTF? Elvira meets drum major? Bob But then, I realized it's Cher. Should we have expected anything different? Nay. Cher is Cher...as tacky and as tawdry as she is, that's why we love her...and Bob Mackie.

What I don't love, however, is body hair. On men, I hate facial and chest hair and overly hairy arms and legs. And as for women, well, shouldn't it be obvious? Apparently not to Mo'nique.

GUH-ROSS!! I usually love Mo cuz she represents for the big girls. But this is just disgusting.

And let the record show that just because THAT big girl has yeti legs does not mean THIS big girl has yeti legs. My gams are silky smooth, baby.

2009 Faves

With another year coming to a close, it's time to whip out my list of favorites and not-so-favorites of 2009. And in no particular order...

Favorite Moments
Lolli's 1st year luau
Baja Cruise
Ry's graduation from UVU and being accepted into Westminster's MBA program
The birth of new nieces and nephews
Lake Powell and the creation of the LPK
Weekend trips to the farmer's market
Beach hopping in San Diego
Signing up for a marathon

Not-So-Hot Moments
Almost getting shot up at the Olive Garden
Lolli's RSV hospitalization
Getting kicked out of the 9th East house and being temporarily
homeless
Summer trip back to Sacramento
Family drama
Swine flu
Breaking up with Joaquin

Disappointments
Buying the BMW
Senate health care bill
Chicago Olympics fail
Dan Brown's The Lost Symbol
Being slighted by Goldman Sachs
New Moon and Where the Wild Things Are
Losing the King of Pop

Greatest Songs - According to the Billboard charts
Use Somebody - Kings of Leon
Thinking of You -Katy Perry
Please Don't Leave Me - Pink (Though, the music video was disturbingly psychotic and creeptastic. No me gusta!)
Fireflies - Owl City
Bad Romance - Lady Gaga (This music video was just as psychotic as Pink's but some how, Gaga's level of crazy is more sophisticated and palletable. I loved it! But really, who wouldn't love Gaga in Alexander McQueen?!? Epic!)

Most Awesome Movies - There's actually quite a few movies that came out recently that I haven't seen yet; but if I had, they'd probably have made the list. As for the movies I have seen, these are the few that I actually enjoyed. Also, some movies listed were released prior to this year, however, I didn't actually see the movies until 2009. So, I figured I'd include those, as well.
The Blindside
Goodfellas
Zombieland
The Hangover
The Soloist
The Boondock Saints

Best Reads
Got Fight - Forrest Griffin
Mafia Dynasty: The Rise and Fall of the Gambino Crime Family - John H. Davis
Moloka'i - Alan Brennert
Skinny Bitch - Rory Freedman
Homeless Bird - Gloria Whelan

Now 2009, I bid you eff'ing adieu!!!!!

Random Thoughts About Last Night's VMA's

• Taylor Swift is darling





• Kanye West is an über doucher and people need to quit giving that man an microphone
  
  



• Russel Brand should never be asked to host anything ever again
  
  



• Beyonce absolutely KILLED her "Single Ladies" performance





• Taylor Lautner should have taken off his shirt
  
  



• I'm still not convinced that Muse is that awesome





• I'm wondering what happened to Alicia Keys other earring





• Janet, dancing in synch with MJ, was a fabulous tribute performance





• Pink is a Cirque du Soleil fan

• Though New Moon was the most boring book of the saga, the trailer almost compelled me to preorder my matinee tickets on Fandango





• I was surprised to see Ms. Meadow Soprano all grown up





• Why the hell is Kristin Cavalleri even famous?





• Cyndi Lauper's cameo was priceless





• I think Eminem was just as shocked as I was that he won

• Lady Gaga...not even gonna comment

So, who won?

On the last episode of Megan Wants a Millionaire, Ryan took Meg out for a spin in an Astin Marten then wined and dined her at some fancy-schmancy French restaurant. At the end of the date, Ry got all kinds of kissy-kissy with Megan. During that lip-lock, did Megan know she was in the arms of a killer????

That's right. According to news reports, Ryan Jenkins murdered his wife, skipped town, then hung himself in a Canadian motel room. And just because a guy strangles his wife, cuts off her fingers, pulls out all her teeth, and stuffs her in a suitcase...they've gotta yank Megan Wants a Millionaire off the air???? Now what am I supposed to do with my Monday nights? How am I ever gonna know who won!??! 

PS

Did you know that silicone breast implants have serial numbers on them? Yeah, neither did Ryan Jenkins. 

Octo Mom = Play Boy Bunny????

I guess this is old news by now, but it's still new to me; Nadya Suleman was offered 1 million big ones from Vivid Entertainment to star in a "movie." Even better, if she agrees to do multiple movies, Vivid will give her family full medical and dental benefits. Stop exploiting yourself, Octo Mom. Get a real job. You're sick.

Dear Joaquin,

I once placed you on a pedestal, but after your appearance on Letterman the other night, you might be tucked away with the rest of my rejects like Vin Diesel. Just like Vin, you were once at the top of my crush list. Your intense, dark features drew me in while your outstanding performance in Gladiator got me hooked. I worshiped you! But alas, my love for you has come to a screeching halt.

I broke up with Vin because I realized that he and I were going in different directions. It was rumored that he was all about being Russian and perhaps even bisexual. I, on the other hand, have had a bad taste in my mouth since all the drama I had with the Russians back in Sacramento. Plus, I'm not big on boys kissing boys. And to be perfectly honest, his career was going nowhere. I mean, The Pacifier? Are you serious? So, I decided to call it quits.

But the relationship I soon found myself in with you, why, that had substance! Not only were you much better at your craft than Vin, but you also exemplified a passion for music as seen in Walk the Line. I loved everything about you, right on down to that scar on your lip. When you announced your retirement from acting, I was devastated. However, I was consoled by the fact that you were doing it to pursue your music career. We could still make it work.

Then you appeared on Letterman...

I don't even know what to say. I can cope with the Grizzly Adams look that you're going for right now. I'm assuming it's just a phase. But your blatant disregard for decorum and complete incoherency while Dave was a addressing you was too much. I'm going to ask you this just once, and I expect a straight answer: are you on drugs? Haven't you learned anything from your brother's death?!

I don't like the person you've become, Joaquin. Whether it's drugs or a mid-life crisis, you've changed. I no longer envision a bright future for us. Instead, I see a massive train wreck. And I won't sit here, waiting for that to happen. No. I think it's time to move on.

I'm sorry, Joaquin, but you've broken my heart. Maybe one day you'll find a way to mend it. Until then, this is goodbye.

2008 Favorites

The other night, I caught some of the Golden Globe Awards. It got me thinking of the movies I enjoyed this past year and what my picks would have been. I then thought back to a post that my dear ol' Shavs threw up on her blog about her favorites and least favorites of 2008. With both of these thoughts in hand, I thought I'd create my own list. (I guess I should have created this list a while ago, since we're already 2 weeks in to the new year. Oh well. I'm doing it now.)

Favorite moments of 2008

• The birth of Lālea
• Graduating
• Spending the day at Glorietta Beach in Coronado
• Eating dim sum in Vegas
• The Deer Valley weekend
• Watching Sopranos while eating bread and butter
  
• Dancing hula for a ward activity
• Watching Ryan play rugby
  

Not-So-Hot Moments of 2008

• Quitting school and work to go on bed rest
• Weekly visits to triage
• Moku, poo blasting his cage and getting it all over the carpet
• The boys' attempts at building hydrogen fuel cells
• Trading in the 916 area code for the 801
  
• Thinking we might have to move in to my mom's
• Trying to get a hip hop routine together for a ward activity
  
• The Comp4x4 shopping cart breaking down
• Family DRAMA
• Sarah Palin

Disappointments of 2008

• Twilight movie
• Mitt Romney dropping out of the race
• Scarlett Johansson's album, Anywhere I Lay my Head
• Releasing Britney Spears from treatment
• Emergency bailouts
• The ignorance of Prop 8 supporters
  

Greatest Movies from 2008

• Dark Knight
• Be Kind, Rewind
• The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
• Sweeny Todd
• The Fall

Best Songs of 2008

• No Air - Jordin Sparks and Chris Brown
• Kiss Kiss - Chris Brown
• Paper Planes - MIA
• New Soul - Yael Naim
• Disturbia - Rhianna
• Sensual Seduction - Snoop Dogg

Best Reads of 2008
(not necessarily books that were published in 2008, but those that I happened to read in 2008)

• The Last of the Menu Girls - Denise Chavez
• Pillar's of the Earth - Ken Follett
• Night - Elie Wiesel
• Caramelo - Sandra Cisneros
• Breaking Dawn - Stephanie Meyers
• Index to English, Eighth Edition - Ebbitt & Ebbitt

There you have it. In my opinion, some of the greatest and not so great moments of 2008. What were some of your bests and worsts???