Dear Joaquin,

I once placed you on a pedestal, but after your appearance on Letterman the other night, you might be tucked away with the rest of my rejects like Vin Diesel. Just like Vin, you were once at the top of my crush list. Your intense, dark features drew me in while your outstanding performance in Gladiator got me hooked. I worshiped you! But alas, my love for you has come to a screeching halt.

I broke up with Vin because I realized that he and I were going in different directions. It was rumored that he was all about being Russian and perhaps even bisexual. I, on the other hand, have had a bad taste in my mouth since all the drama I had with the Russians back in Sacramento. Plus, I'm not big on boys kissing boys. And to be perfectly honest, his career was going nowhere. I mean, The Pacifier? Are you serious? So, I decided to call it quits.

But the relationship I soon found myself in with you, why, that had substance! Not only were you much better at your craft than Vin, but you also exemplified a passion for music as seen in Walk the Line. I loved everything about you, right on down to that scar on your lip. When you announced your retirement from acting, I was devastated. However, I was consoled by the fact that you were doing it to pursue your music career. We could still make it work.

Then you appeared on Letterman...

I don't even know what to say. I can cope with the Grizzly Adams look that you're going for right now. I'm assuming it's just a phase. But your blatant disregard for decorum and complete incoherency while Dave was a addressing you was too much. I'm going to ask you this just once, and I expect a straight answer: are you on drugs? Haven't you learned anything from your brother's death?!

I don't like the person you've become, Joaquin. Whether it's drugs or a mid-life crisis, you've changed. I no longer envision a bright future for us. Instead, I see a massive train wreck. And I won't sit here, waiting for that to happen. No. I think it's time to move on.

I'm sorry, Joaquin, but you've broken my heart. Maybe one day you'll find a way to mend it. Until then, this is goodbye.