Her Royal Chunkiness

When Lalea was born, she was nearly 6 weeks premature. She lost tons of weight and came home from the hospital as a tiny little peanut. She wouldn't nurse and she'd only drink a single ounce of formula at a time...then vomit it straight back up.

As she's gotten older, it hasn't been any easier feeding that child. She has annoyingly become one of the pickiest eaters I know. No wonder she's so skinny, she lives off nothing but Goldfish crackers and Gogurts.

Enter the little fish.

 
Anuhea was born at 37 weeks at the ripe ol' weight of 7 pounds. She was a healthy newborn and latched on to the boob immediately. She fed around the clock. She would nurse so furiously that she'd constantly choke...or more like drown herself. Slow down, Augustus. Save some room for later!

Out of necessity, we had to introduce Anu to the bottle. Her nursing days were over. She'd nurse for 2 seconds and when the milk wouldn't immediately start flowing, she'd scream bloody murder until you acquiesced and fixed her a bottle. She just couldn't be bothered to "work" for her food any longer.

Now that she's transitioned to pureed baby food, it's even worse. Girlfriend will go through 2 whole jars of food in one sitting. And if I don't get the spoon in her mouth fast enough? Yeah, she yells at me.

You know how experts say it can take babies up to, like, 20 times of trying a food for the first time to finally acclimate to and enjoy it? Not this chunky chubbetty. It's been love at first bite with every food I've offered her. Of course.

And after Miss Piggy is done with her 2 jar smorgasbord, she'll demand a 5oz bottle of formula to wash it all down. This child is eating us out of house and home!

One day, Lollers and Ry were talking about the difference in both girls' eating behaviors. Ryan says,

Lolli, you take after me. You're a picky eater. Anu is a chunky eater...like Mama.

I couldn't even be mad. It's absolutely true. 

Resurrecting the Champ

After a nearly 2 year hiatus, Mama is back in business.

Gird your loins. We about to run this!!!

A ton has happened since I took a break from blogging--more than I care to write about and more than you care to read, I'm sure. So, let's not dwell on the past. Besides, if you're reading this, you're either related to me or a friend and I'm sure you've already been stalking me on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, trying to stay up-to-date on what's been going on with the Schoeny tribe. (You know, cuz the world revolves around me and who wouldn't be interested in this?! What?? You're surprised by my narcissism? Hmm, we must not be family or friends after all.)

But in case you've been living under a rock, here are the most important things that happened to Los Schoenys since we last spoke...

 Ryan is CEO of Goldman Sachs and a competitive body builder. He splits his time between our penthouse in SLC and condo in Zurich.

 

Claire earned her trophy wife status after combing out her dreads and going back to pretty hair. She is currently a professional volleyball player, both beach and indoor, and is favored to win this year's St. George marathon.

Lalea is a child prodigy. When she's not conducting chemistry experiments and balancing equations, she's reading her way through the entire Norton Anthology of American Literature. She's also an aspiring photographer and independent film maker. 

Anuhea joined the team earlier this year. At only 5 months, she's already showing signs of extraordinary musical talent with a proclivity to vocal performance. And since there's a strong correlation between musical aptitude and literacy, it's only a matter of time before Anu asks to borrow Lalea's copy of The Grapes of Wrath.

Like I said, this is probably old news to you all. I'm sure you've kept up with us via Forbes magazine and TMZ.

But I'm so glad to welcome you all back to my blog. I'm excited to start writing again and of course, I never pass up a chance or opportunity to talk about myself.

You're welcome.

National Bullying Prevention Month

As many of you know, I have the most beautiful, most clever, and most talented little girl in the world. So maybe I am a bit bias but she really, truly is the best daughter any mother could ask for.

If you've never read or seen The Help, there is a tender scene between the house maid, Aibileen, and the child she cares for, Mae Mobley. Mae Mobley's mother is neglectful, inattentive, and uncaring. Seeing how badly Mae Mobley needs the love and attention of her mother, Aibileen makes it a point to fill the void and positively affirm Mae Mobley's self-worth.

Rocking Mae Mobley in her nursery, Aibilene says,

"You is a smart girl. You a kind girl, Mae Mobley. You hear me? You is kind, you is smart, you is important!"

 And as soon as Mae Mobley is able to talk, Aibilene instructs her to repeat the self-affirmation,

"You is kind, you is smart, you is important!"

Taking a cue from Aibilene and Mae Mobley, I have made it a point to tell Lolli every day how much I love her, how wonderful she is, and how perfect she will always be. We've even adopted an affirmation of our own,

I am beautiful, smart, and special!

Every time Lolli draws a picture, makes up a dance, or sings a song, Ryan and I shower her with compliments and tell her how amazing she is. We go overboard with love and praise. The way I see it, if she's not getting it at home, where else is she going to find the love and appreciation she not only deserves but needs??

There are mean, mean people in this world.

Being a curvier and bigger girl all my life, I've found myself on the receiving end of some very hurtful comments, remarks, and jabs from very close-minded, judgmental, and misinformed people. Luckily, I have a family who loves me and, more importantly, continues to express their love for me each day. I've grown to know my self-worth. I've gained the confidence to assert that regardless of what the world thinks or says about me,

 I am beautiful! I am smart! I am special!!

Still, there are those who try to break us down, take that knowledge away from us. Recently,  CBS WKBT news anchor Jennifer Livingston was attacked by one of these insensitive individuals. Here is a video of the hurtful email Jennifer received and her response:

 

"Do not let your self-worth be defined by bullies...The cruel words of one are nothing compared to the shouts of many."

Let us fill our homes with shouts of praise and acceptance, drowning out the weak voices of cruelty and ignorance. No matter the world's opinion, know your self-worth. 

 You are beautiful! You are smart! You are special!!

I'm the winningest loser!

Just a quick brain dump for your reading enjoyment...or for my entertainment.

• Since beginning my diet 3 weeks ago, I've seen some major changes. While I still want to eat everything I'm not really supposed to, I have noticed that my cravings are a lot less frequent and I'm feeling more full and satisfied between each meal. Who thought I'd ever be able, or even want to, live and actually thrive on 900-1000 calories a day? Before, I could knock out 900 calories in one sitting! (Cue Five Guys and See's Candy.) But the best change so far? I've dropped 15 pounds. So excited and proud! Shedding that weight already makes me physically  feel better, has improved my athletic performance, and has even gotten me back into a pair of my skinny jeans. Word to your mother, Medifast!!

• Along the lines of Medifast, my friend who is also a health coach was holding a giveaway to promote the program. Long story short, I won the giveaway!!! A $50 Target gift card. I FREAKIN' WON!!! I never win anything!!!! Seriously!!! I have the worst luck with these kinds of things. But dang it, the tides have turned. Lady Luck is on my side! Anyone wanna head to Vegas this weekend?

• Lalea started school this week...FINALLY. She's going to Little Readers in Spanish Fork 4 days a week for 3 hours a day. I am ecstatic!!! As a mother, you love your children to pieces and enjoy spending time with them. But also as a mother, you want to wring your kids' little necks if they don't stop crying or whining for just one second. Finding alone time is hard to come by most days. But preschool...glorious preschool. I'll pay whatever amount of tuition required, just please, take my child. Mama needs to go spend her Target gift card in peace.

Hope everyone is doing well and you're enjoying these last few weeks of warm weather. As for me, fall can't get here soon enough. Bring on the cool weather.

Take care, my lovelies.

Things that warm my heart: Summer edition

The best things about summer, in no particular order:

• swimming
• tanning
• fireworks
• strawberries
• farmer's market and festivals
• BBQs
• the beach
• outdoor volleyball
• thunder storms
• shave ice (and accompanying dance!)

Dia de Los Padres

In keeping with tradition...

So proud of this guy!!! A master, a GQ model, and the best daddy in the whole wide world!!

Happy Father's Day! We love and stuff!!

Herpetology

So we've been in Las Vegas all weekend. We came down so Ry Guy could attend this Wine and Canvas event where you recreate famous paintings. The painting Ry was recreating was The Great Wave Off Kanagawa by Katsushika Hokusai.

Original

Ry said he doesn't like the way his painting turned out but I think it's wonderful...especially for his first time working with acrylics.

Am I right?????? I think my favorite part of his painting is his Mt Fuji in the background. I love the way that turned out.

ANYWAAAAAAAYYYYYYYSSSSSSSSSSS...


It was on this trip that we were driving through town to a Fillipino restaurant and were switching freeways via the spaghetti bowl. Off to the side of the freeway convergence, there was this big, huge turtle statue/decoration thingy...huge, like GIGANTIC!!!


I was really surprised to see such a ginormous reptile along the side of the road, and in the middle of my excitement I exclaimed, "Woah! Lolli! Look at that big ass turtle!!"

About two hours later, we were driving home from the restaurant, Ry and I carrying on a conversation in the front seat, minding our own business. Out of nowhere we hear Lolli's little nasally voice pipe up from the back saying, "Mama, I wanna see the big ass turtle!"

As immature and inappropriate as we are, Ry and I lost it. We were laughing hysterically, which only made Lolli more adamant in asking to see the big ass turtle. Ryan was crying, I was choking, and Lolli just kept on swearing.

Yes, we're horrible parents. We know.

PB&P

So Ry and I are watching TV and I hear Lollers yelling for me in the bathroom that she's done...aka...my cue to come help her wipe.

We get the job done, wash up, and run back into the living room. She comes running out behind me saying,

"Daddy! Daddy! When my poo-poo came out it had peanut butter on it!"

Ryan and I then proceeded to joke with her about making sandwiches.

What can I say? We're a classy bunch.

I sing you to me

The other night I'm at the gym and Australia is playing in the cardio cinema. I've seen this movie dozens of times, as it is one of my ALL TIME favorites. I can NEVER watch that movie without bawling my cryballs out. So when the following scene appeared on the screen, I quickly grabbed a wad of tissues and cranked my treadmill up to a sprint. Commence water works.

Even now as I rewatch this I'm teary-eyed and covered in goosebumps!! Following this scene, Lady Ashley (Nicole Kidman) and little Nullah share this exchange:

Lady Ashley: I will come and find you; whatever it takes, we'll be together again

Nullah: I believe you, Mrs. Boss (whispers) Mrs. Boss, I sing you to me

...

Lady Ashley: And I will hear you, my darling

Are you dying???? Cuz I am!!!

Perusing the interweb for more commentary about this movie, scene, and musical influence, I came across a blog entitled Behind the Voice. Author Ken Mademe writes about Australia:

Oh, that the songs we sing could bring people to a good place. Oh, that we could sing each other to health and caring. Oh, that we could sing each other to healing and comfort.

Yes, yes, YES!!! Music is such a significant and powerful tool. The effect music has on individuals is amazing.

Some of my fondest memories from my childhood were centered around the piano in our home. My mother would often play a church hymn and my siblings and I would each choose different voice parts to sing. The game would be to guess what Dad would sing as he was famous for switching parts and harmonies at random. Most of our evenings at home were spent in this manner. As a family, we were brought together by our shared love of music.

The same holds true today. While my brothers enjoy listening to rap and my sister sings along with show tunes, we still find common ground around a hymn book and piano.

Music offers us the unique ability to unify ourselves and express our feelings for one another.

Each night before I put Lolli to bed, we cuddle in her room and sing songs together, including Somewhere Over the Rainbow. Not only is it my way of calming her down for the night, but it's also my way of instilling in her my love of music.

I hope she grows to find joy, comfort, and delight in music. And when she hears or sings the sweet melody of one of our bedtime lullabies, she will know of my love for her.

My sweet Lolli, I sing you to me.

Smiles and Butts

The other day, Lolli and I were singing in the car, per usual. We were singing a bunch of primary songs and of course, Lolli starts getting silly and decides to change up some of the song lyrics.

Here's her cover of Smiles

"If you chance to meet a butt,

do not let it toot.

Quickly take it to the toilet

so it can go poop."

Where does she get this obsession with butts, farting, and all around bathroom humor??!!?

Oh yeah. Me.

Jake and The Neverland Privates

This morning before church, I was giving Lollers a bath. It was time to soap down. This was the ensuing conversation.

Me: "Ok, I need to wash your privates."

Lollers: "But I have a wiener like Daddy."

Me: "Ummmm, what?"

Lollers: "A wiener."

"Whhhyyyy???"

"Just for pretend."

"But whhhhyyyy?!"

"Because I want my name to be Jake, and Jake is a boy."

"But you're a girl."

"But Jake is a boy."

"But your name is Lalea, and you're a girl."

"I like Jake better."

"Too bad. You're name is Lalea, you're a girl, and you don't talk about wieners."

Gone are the days of walking around the house naked and free. I think Lollers is a little too aware of what's going on. Dang.

Spawn of Satan

This week Lolli has been super sick. She's had a horrible cough and runny nose accompanied by an outrageous fever. I know how much it sucks being sick. And when you're child is sick, it's heartbreaking because they're so miserable and there's not much you can do to help them.

Now, I'm not a very patient person, but with Lolli being sick this week I really, truly tried. The first 3 days she was completely out of commission. Couldn't really get up and play. She would just lie there on my bed like a limp noodle. So caring for her then was pretty easy. Just pump her with fluids, turn on some toonies, and administer meds as needed.

Well, the past few days things have gotten worse. She didn't get more sick. She actually got lots better. It's just her whininess and crying that's escalated. Every two seconds she breaks down into tears because she can't find the book she wants to read, her stuffed elephant won't stand up on his own, the rolled cuff on her jeans is crooked, the jammies she wants to wear are dirty, I won't pay $7 for a 3 minute train ride at the mall, or I won't let her eat 2lbs of M&Ms for breakfast. The list goes on and on.

The other day, I told her she needed to pick up her room because it was a disaster. She straight up yelled at me, no exaggeration, "I'm not doing anything you say!!" I about lost my sh*! with that one.

And the coughing. Oh the coughing!! The hacking is non stop! I tell her to cover her mouth and she just coughs straight into my face even harder.

Same goes for the nose picking. I swear our entire house is covered in boogers cuz that girl can't seem to keep her finger out of her nostril. And when I tell her to knock it off, she screams at me. No lie! She SCREAMS.

But the thing that irks me the most and makes me just want to throw myself in front of a bus is the constant whining for Daddy. Any time I tell Lolli "No" or I make her do something she doesn't want to do, she automatically starts crying for Daddy.

Nothing will console her once she starts crying for him. I tell her that he's at school or at work or wherever and that he can't be there right now, she cries harder. As impatient as I am and as horrible as I probably sound, I've done nothing but shower her with toys, activities, tasty treats, and trips to fun places all this week. And the second I do something she doesn't like, she only wants Daddy?!?!?!? AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Maybe I'm making a bigger deal out of this than I really should be, but I'm seriously about to lose my mind. And of course she's a demon the week that Ryan is gone. And when I tell Ryan how terrible of a day I'm having and how poorly Lolli is behaving, he just kind of scoffs and doesn't really understand how difficult it is sometimes. When he leaves work or school, he's done for the day. My job never ends, even when he's home.

Am I alone in my plight? What about all you other stay-at-home moms? How do you deal with rotten children? How do you keep your cool instead of hurling yourself off a cliff?!

And dads, what do you do to help out your wife after she's had an exasperating day with the kids?

Don't care how, I want it now!

This morning I told Lolli that Kathy was coming over. (Kathy is my father-in-law's wife, which I guess makes her my step-mother-in-law?)

This was our exact conversation.

Lolli asks, "She's coming to bring me a present?!"

"Uh, no."

"But why? I LOVE presents!"

"I know you love presents. But it's not your birthday and it's not Christmas time."

"But it's almost Easter time and the Easter bunny bring me a pillow pet."

"Yup. The Easter bunny might bring you a pillow pet but only if you're a good girl."

"I too tired to be a good girl. I want presents. Daddy bring me presents from his working?"

"No."

"But why?"

"I already told you why."

"But I want presents."

"No."

"I. WANT. PRESENTS!!!!!"

"If you yell at me like that one more time, you're gonna go to time-out."

"Sorry, Mama. Can I have chocky milk?"

"No."

"How come I don't get anything?"

Lolli then walks away into her room that is filled with every single toy imaginable...and then some.

Freakin' Varuca Salt over here with her sense of entitlement. I wonder where she could have possibly gotten that from...

Ramblings

1) A few weeks ago, I bought a month's membership for Sweaty Chix Fitness on Groupon. Sweaty Chix is AWESOME! They offer lots of different fitness classes like Cardio Drench, Yoga, and Zumba. But my all time favorite classes are Hip Hop Hustle and Hot Hula. Of course, I love hip hop cuz you know I like to pop my booty. But have you seen the booty shakin' require for hula??!? Well, Tahitian really. But you knew I'd love me some hula...since I am Hawaiian and all. Lalea even comes to dance with me sometimes.

2) Our Eurotrip is less than a month away. I'm stressing BIG time! I'm just so nervous about our travel arrangements. I'm sure something is gonna get messed up of miscommunicated and one of us is gonna get stranded somewhere. Maybe I should have gone with a travel agent after all. But when I met with one, he seemed like and idiot and hadn't even been to Europe. He had no insider information and was only reiterating things I had already researched for myself. I actually found myself better deals than the agent was offering. Though, I guess the beauty in an agent is not having to do the research for myself anyways. It's a trade-off.

3) My family is obsessed with playing Settlers of Catan. We are now a true Utah County Mormon family. How cheesy.

4) Last month, my mom's dog got super sick and we had to put her down. So sad. We've had Pili for nearly 8 years. After Mom put her down, she was going through puppy withdrawls. So, last week she picked up another. This is Rella. She's a Morkie, half Maltese half Yorkie. One of the cutest things you've ever seen!

5) I'm lacking some serious motivation. After training for almost 2 years straight, I'm starting to get burnt out on running. Running has turned into more of an obligation. I'm always proud and feel accomplished after completing a long run on Saturdays, but Friday night leading up to it, I'm so angry. I have such a bad attitude going into it because I just don't want to HAVE to do it anymore. I haven't taken my training as seriously this time around. I think I'm going to take a break after Ogden. Switch to cycling for a while. I'll still run. Maybe do some half marathons and some 10ks, but I don't think I'll do a full marathon again until after we have another baby. But with that all said, I'm still very appreciative of everyone's support, encouragement, and generosity. I truly wouldn't have gotten this far without your help. Thanks a million!

HIV+

I'm obsessed with showering. I seriously take probably 5 showers a day. Not saying that I'm washing my hair every time and going through that whole routine. Rather, I'm jumping in the shower, soaping off my bod, then back into clean clothes.

I wouldn't say I was a germaphobe. I have no problem double dipping or sharing sips off other people's drinks. I just hate being sweaty and grimy. Ugh. The second I feel sticky, I strip and get in the shower.

Ummm...I also have to shower every time after I go to the bathroom...number 2 that is. Don't judge me. So, I just pray that I'm at home when the urge hits. If not, I'm upset the rest of the day until I can bathe cuz I just feel...dirty...and not in the good, Christina Aguilera kinda way.

Back story out of the way...

Yesterday I took Lalea to the dollar theater to see Tangled in 3D.

Side note: Have you seen pictures of Zachary Levi, the guy who does the voice of Flynn Rider?I guess he's also on the T.V. series Chuck? Regardless, SUPER cute! Might have to add him to the boyfriend list.

ANYWAYS...

We're getting all settled into our seats. I break out the illegal contraband that I smuggled in via my big ass purse. I hand Lolli her sippy cup and she places it in the seat cup holder. Not two minutes later, I hear a thud and then a roll.

"Uh oh," says Lolli.

"Great," says I.

I go from row to row searching for the lost sippy. Meanwhile, my demon child is yelling at the top of her lungs that she needs a drink right this second cuz she's so parched from all her candy eating and goodie snacking. I'm frustrated and embarrassed, struggling to see anything in the dimly lit theater.

Lalea switches from demon child to straight up spawn of Satan, screaming hysterically because the theater seat flipped up and she got her leg stuck in it.

I sprint back to help Lucifer out of the seat and instead of expressing gratitude for saving her life, she demands to know where her sippy cup is.

DAMN THAT SIPPY CUP!!!

Just wanting to shut this child up, I do the unthinkable. I drop down on my hands and knees, right onto the disgusting concrete theater floor. After only about 2.25 seconds of exposing my bare hands and knees to such filth, I was over it. My child could die of dehydration for all I cared.

But the damage was already done. For the entire length of the movie, I stressed and fretted over the types of germs and bacteria making their way into my blood stream at that very moment. Surely I had contracted AIDS from that floor.
When the movie was over, I couldn't get home fast enough. I briefly thought of jumping into the shower fully clothed, as I'm sure my garments were now soiled from the theater's dysentery. I even considered bleaching my skin...or at least my knee caps and palms.

Think I'm exaggerating? Have you ever been to Movies 8 in Provo? Then you know what I mean.

Eff sippy cups.

Things That Warm My Heart

I'm half Hawaiian, though, I don't think I always look Hawaiian. Since I'm part white as well, I'm always told that I look so much like my mother. Not a bad thing, but I see lots of other Polynesians in our community and they look COMPLETELY Polynesian.

When I see them, I wonder if they look at me and know I'm Polynesian, too. I feel like we have some kind of kinship, both being Poly.

My sister is the most Hawaiian looking of us all. She looks exactly like my Tutu Sarah. There ain't no denying that girl's heritage. I, on the other hand, am a little more difficult to figure out.

I've got naturally dark features and generally a darker skin tone. People can usually guess that I come from some type of exotic decent but it's often been mistaken to be Hispanic. WRONG-O!!

I was at the running store a couple months ago, buying new shoes. The employee there helping me started chatting it up and joking around with me about how wide my feet were. (They are. They're probably the widest, flattest feet you'll ever come across in your life.)

He then started talking about a Polynesian friend of his that has drama buying running shoes, too, cuz his feet are so wide. He says, "You Polys need to just open up your own running store that caters to your giant feet!"

While I should have been offended for his remarks about my ginormous hooves, I was instead delighted that he could tell and knew I was Polynesian.

For once my big nose, wide feet, and massive legs aren't misunderstood!! Now if we could only do something about Lalea, the whitest Hawaiian girl I know!

Bedtime Prayers and Butt Cheese

When it comes to bathroom humor, you'll find me in the corner, laughing away with the rest of the 10 year old boys. I'm crass, immodest, and not afraid to let one rip. You should know this by now.

So in an effort to be more lady like and to be a better example to Lolli, I've tried to censor the potty talk. Still, the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

Some of Lolli's favorite songs to sing are "Old McDonald had some poop," "Baa baa black sheep. Have you any poop?" or my personal favorite, "The itsy bitsy butt cheese went up the water spout."

While I applaud the creative license she liberally takes when performing her songs, apparently singing about poop and butt cheese isn't appropriate for a 3 year old little girl.

Yesterday, Lolli was being especially rambunctious, which led to her going to time-out for talking back and yelling at me. This episode was soon followed by a very special rendition of the humming bird song that included the following verse,

"Oh the humming poop. Oh the humming poop. Oh the humming poooooooooooop!"

Once again, Lolli was sent to time-out, as I had already told her twice that day not to sing about naughty and gross things.

As we were getting ready for bed last night, I began to help Lolli say her prayers. But as soon as I started to help her, she grumbled at me not to and demanded she say it herself. This was her exact prayer:

"Dear Heavenly Father, thank you for this day. Thank you we can play with Mommy Daddy. Help us not talk mean on Mama. Help us not sing 'bout poo poo. Jesus Christ, Amen"

Bless her poopy little heart!

Foop

Yesterday Lolli and I took Yari to Quaker State to get the oil changed. Lolli was running around the little waiting area, quietly entertaining herself.

All of a sudden, she got really still and just stood there for a few minutes. She comes walking over to me all bowlegged and says, "Mama I have poo poo in my panties."

I said, "What?! How did that happen?"

"I just farting a lot."

No, Darling. You weren't farting. You sharted and now I'm the one who has to clean it up in the Quaker State bathroom...where they don't even have paper towels so I have to wrap poopy panties in toilet paper and shove them into my Juicy Couture purse.

Thanks.

Santa Claus is Comin' to Town

This year is the first year in which Lolli actually understands the concept of Santa and is excited about Christmas.

Last year, we went to visit Santa and she was a bit apprehensive. She didn't scream and cry, but she did get a bit teary eyed and wouldn't really smile for the picture...until Santa shoved a sucker in her hand. But still no smile; she simply frowned less.

This year, I was preparing her for our Santa visit and she recalled last year's incident. She said, "I gon sit on Santa lap an not cry? An he give me a sucker?" She knew the drill.

So we' visited Santa this year not once, but twice. And each time, Lolli cooperated. She told the big man that she's been good all year and that she wants Thomas the Train train tracks for Christmas. She even told him that she'd leave him milk and cookies and for the reindeer, some carrots and water on the porch. So adorable, right?

Now that Lolli and Santa are on a first name basis, Lolli has made him her go-to guy. Watching cartoons, Lolli will see commercials come on advertising new toys and games. Following each commercial, she'll turn to me and say, "Mama, I want that!" I'll respond saying, "No. We don't need to get that. You already have lots of toys." She'll retort, "But I love it! Santa will get it for me."

Really? Santa will get it for you? He's your personal shopper and will just get you every little thing your heart desires with no restraint? Uh, no. No he will not.

Except...he has.

Lolli is so spoiled. She will be getting absolutely every little thing she has asked for this year...and then some.

Santa is a big pushover.

Oops! I poo pooed again!

!!!!!!!WARNING!!!!!!!
The following account may be too graphic for those of a sensitive nature. If you're scared of or put off by bathroom humor, bodily functions, and indecent exposure...why are we even friends?!?!?

Remember Lalea's Poo Capers from a couple months ago? Well, apparently that wasn't all she had stored up in her arse-nal...literally.

Over the past week, Lalea has been complaining that her "bummy hurt." The poor girl didn't go to the bathroom for nearly 4 days. She was constipated!

We started pumping her full of oatmeal and apple juice, since in the past, apple juice gave her diarrhea. We hoped it'd help the girl loosen up.

Just yesterday, I was sitting in the bathroom as Lalea was in the tub taking a bath. She immediately stands up, grabs her bare butt and starts screaming that her bummy hurt. I kept telling her that we needed to sit on the toilet then and go poop since it'd be the only way to make her tummy and bum feel better. She screamed back that she didn't need/want to go on the toilet. I kept insisting that she needed to.

In the middle of her tirade, she stopped, stood perfectly still, and started straining. And in the split second, before I could even swoop her out of the tub and onto the pot, she let it go.

It was like slow motion. A huge, nasty, steaming piece of poo came hurtling out of her behind. It hit the edge of the bath tub, did a triple lutz, and landed on my toe.

I. LOST. IT.

I jumped in the tub and started scouring my foot. If I had a gallon of bleach at the ready, I would have doused my entire leg in it then filed off the first 3 layers of skin just to make sure the germs were off.

It was so nasty. And to add insult to injury, after I got out of the tub, I still had to pick up the kamikaze turd up off the tile floor. Armed with nearly a whole roll of toilet paper, I daintily picked that steamer up then flung it into the toilet as fast as I could. So then I had to go through the whole scouring process again with my hands.

The whole while, Lalea is sitting on the toilet just laughing at me. She thinks my screaming and hysteria is hilarious.

To sum up this poo encounter, I quote one of my Red Rock team mates:

"Kids are so just barely worth it."