Child for Sale

See that adorable little girl in the previous Father's Day video post below? Yeah, well, don't let those cute pigtails and sweet little chipmunk voice fool you. She is Satan's spawn!!!!!

Yesterday I had a whole laundry list of chores to do on my day off, including laundry. ironically enough. I was in my room separating the colors from the whites (BTW not a racist remark. Totally talking about clothes right now!) when I realize it's really quiet.

Everyone who has kids knows that when it gets quiet, it means your children are doing something naughty. So I yell out to Lolli and ask her what she was doing. She replied that she was coloring her Dora book. She loves to color and will do it for literally an hour straight. So I just figured she was in the other room, coloring away and was fine.

Not 10 minutes later, the girl comes running in to my room, bare buns.

"Poo poo, mommy."

I turn her around and sure enough, there's poo all over her little chubby bum. But it doesn't stop there. The poo is running down her leg, down her foot, into her shoe. I lift her foot up, and there's an entire turd stuck to the bottom of her sandal.

I scream and rush into the nursery to clean her up. As I'm crossing the hallway, I step in something kinda squishy. I look down, and low and behold, I've stepped in another turd. After screaming, I look around and see that the entire nursery is covered in poo and sandal foot prints. There are turds left and right and little nuggets scattered everywhere. It was all I could do not to wring my child's neck. Instead, I cried.

I throw Lolli in the bath then go to work on trying to scrub out the carpet. In the process, I call my husband and start yelling at him like it's all his fault. He simply says, "Put her on time out."

Time out? Really? The child covers our house in freakin' manure and you're saying all I need to do is put her on time out like that's gonna solve everything?!!!??!!

"Lolli, you sit in time out while I scourge the carpet and sanitize all your toys, clothes, blankets, bookshelves, door knobs...

Lolli doesn't need a time out. She needs a drop kick! Mommy is the one who needs a time out. Let me sit and do nothing while someone else cleans all your sh*! off the walls!